Life is full of positive and negative moments, but it’s the negative ones that sometimes take a heavy toll on you. Hurtful words, whether they’re stated, texted, or messaged, can tear you down. The words do not disappear. They continue to exist from the moment they are said, and they can have a lasting effect.
In my childhood days, shame would hang around me, especially when my self-esteem was tipping over the edge. I was in the 7th grade when shame planted itself. One word came into existence, and it enslaved me for years.
I was taller than the boys in my class. It didn’t bother me that I was a little up there in height. All I cared about was playing handball and tetherball during recess and lunch.
One day during recess, I was playing handball with a boy from my class, and I won. He got angry and threw the ball. He then decided to name me an ugly and scary-looking character from a television series.
He turned to his friends and started calling me Lurch. I heard him, but it didn’t register because all I could hear was everyone’s laughter. A couple of the boys started chanting, “Lurch, Lurch, Lurch,” as they laughed. In case you don’t know who Lurch is, he’s one of the characters from the Addams Family.
The embarrassment I felt was overwhelming. I told myself that it didn’t matter. But at night, it mattered. I would cry myself to sleep.
I was very young when my self-esteem began to fall apart. There was a mixture of love, violence, and fear in my home. Yet, it was this incident in 7th grade that brought my self-esteem to a lower level. The voice in my head would replay that incident over and over. I believed I was ugly, and since I was a tomboy, I convinced myself that it made sense that I would be compared to a character that looked like Frankenstein.
My fear of being laughed at was so great that I didn’t share this with anyone. My parents, well, I thought they wouldn’t understand.
The name-calling continued for the remainder of the 7th grade. By the 8th grade, it wasn’t mentioned as often. I believe it was because the boys got taller, and their interests changed. It didn’t matter. The damage was done. The negative thoughts festered until the name Lurch defined me.
As I grew up, other negative incidents occurred, and my line of defense was shielded from bullets of anger. Shame, guilt, and fear always protected me. A part of me knew there was something wrong because I felt sad and angry a lot, but my ignorance would shove it behind me. The other part of me would search for something better.
I began reading books on various subjects of personal development. It took me a while to sift through the material, and I could not grasp the true meaning. But when I finally did, I started learning about some of my opinions and beliefs about myself.
I had to stop reliving things from my past as if they happened yesterday. One of them was what happened in the 7th grade.
I ended up talking with a friend in my 7th-grade class. I asked her if she remembered the Lurch thing. She laughed a little and said, “Yes.” The shock must have shown on my face because she stopped laughing.
She became serious and remembered when the boys called me Lurch. She told me that she looked up to me because I stood up to them, and I would cuss at them and tell them to shut up when they called me Lurch. So, she didn’t think it bothered me.
When I finally broke down and spilled my guts, she hugged me and cried. Later, she shared a similar incident and how she dealt with it. That day, my self-esteem moved up a notch. It was an amazing day.
Final Thoughts
It’s important to understand shame so that you can protect yourself. It keeps you stuck, isolated, and unproductive.
Sometimes, it’s not what was said that hurts so much. It’s who it was said in front of. Being shamed in front of others could elevate the level of hurt you feel. It can also play a major part in how long you hold onto it. When you cannot defend yourself, you may feel angry at yourself, which can cause you to feel worse.
How to Protect Yourself
I learned some techniques that helped me change my old way of thinking when negative or harsh words were thrown at me. I am going to share some of them, and I hope that they resonate with you.
Secrets
If you have been hurt, never keep it a secret. It is important for your mental health to talk about it with someone you trust.
Defend Your Position
You don’t always have to say something, but if you have to, then just state your point of view. This way, you give the other person permission to explain their point.
Being Right
You don’t always have to be right. It’s not always about you. Other people have their own opinions. It doesn’t mean that one is right and the other is wrong. You just disagree.
Define Who You Are
Do not beat yourself up, and allow someone’s ugly words to define who you are. Sometimes, people are speaking their opinion, and their words have little to do with you. People are in pain, and from their pain, they speak.
Do Not React
Respond and do not react. This requires you to think and use control over your behavior. It will give your response greater power and meaning for others.
Share Your Story
If you want to share your story, I would love to hear from you.
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